Sunny days sweepin’ the clouds away… but not really.
Current mood: 
disappointed
It’s a beautiful day outside. As such I took my lunch down to the koi pond to sit by it whilst I ate. Beyond beautiful day for that. It was so cute, the turtles were sunning themselves on a big rock…. and apparently there are ducks there now! They may have been there before, but I don’t think I’d ever seen them… Observance has never been my forte. Water flowing down the rocks to the pond, very soothing sound indeed. As I looked around I took note of the other people sitting around the pond… most all of them were there by themselves soaking it all up as well. I kind of liked the idea of all that… how maybe they just needed some reflection time, or maybe they just wanted to get away from some stresses for a bit while they basked in the sun, focusing their attention to the fishies and sunning turtles. I know I myself went there for some peace and reflection time, and meh… here are my conclusions….
I usually consider myself a pretty lucky kid. I really have everything I need and there is hardly a day that goes by that I don’t thank God from the very bottom of my heart for all the many blessings He’s given me…. my awesome family, food to eat, roof over my head, all the basics and even many luxuries that allow me to have fun days and nights. And although I really do consider myself fortunate and am grateful for that, I can’t help but still feeling a bit empty, lonely, unfulfilled, basically not totally content with my life… and i hate that I actually am saying that.
For as much as I’m always cheerful and smiling, deep down I’m sad. Nowadays moreso than usual for various circumstances, but even before this debacle I’ve always had a deep down sadness I guess. I’m afraid of EVERYTHING I feel like and I really hate that I give into that fear. I’m constantly worrying, and have been for as long as I can remember. I don’t seem to know how to let go of the fear I have, or the sadness I feel, and I never seem to be able to let go of shitty things people do that upset me. I guess I wish I could be a better person and not let these things get me down. I wish I could just focus on important things in life than pettiness and fear and possible downs of life. Why am I finding it so hard to do that?
I dunno… I was just sitting in that sun by the pond feeling more sad than happy, even though I really do believe the sun has amazing healing properties. I think it DID make me feel a little better in the end just to be out there, but again just sad while sitting there contemplating my life and the fact that I can’t just seem to be REALLY and TRUELY happy. And I know it’s not just me, i’m sure everyone and their mother has their own sadnesses they carry with them. I just wish I could let some of these things go, currently I have no clue as to how to do that. I can’t even get on a fucking airplane I’m so scared of them!!!! How retarded is that?!! 🙁 I’ve missed out on so many things because of just that one fear and I don’t know how to let that fear stop living my life for me.
[Fade out, cut to me by the koi pond]
In the end I also just wish I was a stronger person to just LET THINGS GO. I’m stubborn I know that, my family knows that, so that’s working against me…. But even still, like I said, for as much as I claim to be cheery and happy go lucky and full of a love of life, maybe I’m just really not? Maybe that’s who I’d LIKE to be but haven’t quite made it….
Something to shoot for I s’ppose.
